a la sotce

Monday, December 16

feeling melancholy these days. i grow slack at the tangible things. washing my face, going to parties, tending to things. forget to zip up my top before i leave the house. dyl has to do it for me. i leave work early. vacancy lodgement report. korean cold noodles. trying to finish things before the end of the year. rushing. hard to know what i’m rushing for or from or towards.

i need to buy c123 batteries for my camera. sam tells me to develop my photos at a place that’s running a half-price deal. i wade through thick heat to get there. it’s like a hug from a warm wet sock. the photos are of a different sam and i want them to turn out good. he is sweet and gentle and has shown me many kinds of kindness.

if the photos are not good, i worry that i’ll never be able to create again. i want to make a short film about peeling cucumbers. i tell nath that i want to make a collage of an old mag and that i might be on the spectrum.

i realise that korean cold noodles should not be topped with sweet bulgogi. it’s ok though because philip is here and everything is ok when he is here. he’ll take me to get batteries. he takes all of my moods steadily and never makes me feel bad for having them. we run into jono at acne. it’s impossible to be sad around him. he reminds me of nanda. she glimmers and glimmers and glimmers. i think that perhaps some people are made from sweetness.

i don’t feel so bad after writing this. christmas menu, seething heat and a supernormal mocktail.